How Deep the Father's Love for Us

I was touched by these lyrics. Just want to share them with you.

How Deep The Father's Love For Us
Stuart Townend

Lyrics:
How deep the Father's love for us,
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,
The Father turns His face away
As wounds which mar the chosen One,
Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,
My sin upon His shoulders
Ashamed I hear my mocing voice,
Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there
Until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything
No gifts, no power, no wisdom
But I will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom.


-God bless you.-

Of Work, Courses and Life

“Be prepared always” – This is the motto of the Girl Guides, which is very important in our everyday lives. Last Thursday, this motto once again became a guiding source as I was asked to attend a meeting/ workshop on behalf of my director.

I was initially told to attend a course on examination invigilation on Thursday in Johor Bahru, but was informed just the day before that I has to go to Bukit Bendara, Mentakab instead. Anyway, I was going to be fetched by a Pajero, accompanied by my assistant, who is in his retirement age, so no worries. This meeting/workshop was on the evaluation of development project. I was told that since I’m going to be the Development Officer, this meeting should be given priority over the other course, and indeed it was very beneficial to me. However, I was so ill-prepared due to just a day’s notice. Participants of the workshop were asked to bring along sample projects to present and I didn’t know anything at all about it. Nevertheless, I managed to find one, which my clerk handed me, just an hour before departing to Mentakab.

The opening ceremony was at 2.00 pm on Thursday, and I had another meeting to attend at 9am till 12 noon. My assistant assured me that we could reach in a hour and a half, but apparently it was not accurate information. The Pajero left Kuantan and 12.30 and we reached in at 2.30pm. My assistant and I had wanted to skip the opening ceremony, as we were late, but the facilitators persuaded us to attend, saying that it was ok – which was a very bad idea. We had just taken our seats when the speech was concluded with “ Sekian, terima kasih” (Thank You), marking the end of the opening ceremony. How embarassing! Anyway, we later found out that we were not the latest…feels a little better to know that.

After the opening ceremony, we were served tea. Only after that did my assistant and I get the keys to our respective rooms in the Bukit Bendera Resort, Mentakab. It was a nice place, very green, and comfortable. My room number was 413- it felt very quiet and lonely, having a room to myself, on the fourth floor, in the far end of the block. At nights, I switched on the television, on a low volume and had it set on ‘sleep 60’ so that I would have fallen asleep before the dead silence (or rather little sounds in the dead silence) could bother me.

The workshop went well and the sample project that I had found in the last minute did prove useful as my group used it for our presentation. I managed to get an overview on how to evaluate a project in that brief 2 ½ days worshop. The worshop was over on Saturday morning and I headed back to Kuantan. I enjoyed the journey back though it was rather long…the scenery along the way was refreshing…rainforests and rivers….I just love green.

Upon reaching Kuantan, I requested the driver’s help in helping me move, to which he kindly obliged. The aunty that I was staying with temporary had found me another room not too far from my office. It’s not near by foot, but less than a 5-minutes drive. It’s a strategic place as I can get a ride from others on the main road (just across the house) and there a number of eating places within walking distance. The house is small but cosy, consists of two rooms, but only one bathroom and a toilet, fully furnished and very nicely renovated. I can use the fridge, television, radio, kitchen etc, so it’s quite a good deal. The landlady is a single parent who lives alone. She’s very active doing social services and is always out, so I get to enjoy the privacy of having the house to myself (not that I have a lot of private things to do, but it’s just a nice feeling of freedom). I feel comfortable in this house. Thank God for that! Besides, this house is near a church members’ house and she fetched me to church on Sunday.

Then on Monday, I went to Karak and Bentong to audit the work of two enforcement stations. It was a very interesting experience to ‘investigate’ if they were doing things right, as in following the standardized rules, and taking precautionary measures to prevent corruption. Karak is about 3 hours from Kuantan, while Bentong is about half an hour from Karak. It took the whole day to complete the audit. I only reached home around 7.30 p.m. The whole journey was amusing too. I sat in the front seat of the department’s Pajero, driven by a uniformed officer and accompanied by two other uniformed officers in the back seat. I was dressed in plain office clothes – a black long skirt and a a 3 ¼ sleeves cream coloured blouse with thin green and red stripes. Everywhere we stopped, people stared at us as if they had never seen other humans before.

Another interesting thing about being with enforcement officers is to see them in action. While on our way home, our Pajero was behind a Kancil going at very low speed, on the right lane, thus obstructing traffic. The enforcement officer honked a few times at the driver but the latter continued to maintain that speed and made no attempts to overtake another vehicle, nor change lanes. The officer beside me then took the microphone and said ‘testing, testing…’ A good thing the driver then had enough sense to switch lanes. The officer then just gave a warning through the window as we drove past the car. It was a good thing for the driver of that Kancil that the officers were not conducting an operation at that time, or else she would not have been let off so easily.

Throughout my day in Karak and Bentong, I had plenty to eat…in fact, in many courses and meetings, food is served generously, at many intervals. So much, that my bowel system is getting accustomed to eating more…I get hungry every few hours now, so I have to keep a stock of not so sweet biscuits…Hopefully I have gained some weight. However, the food here is oily, and extremely sweet - even the ‘kari’ (curry) and ’ kuah’(gravy) which are supposed to be ‘pedas’ (spicy) have sweetness in them…thus, I think it’s time for me to bring ‘bekal’ from home to have more healthy food.

The one thing I like most about the journey back was the sight of a beautiful rainbow over the Pahang River. It was exceptionally breathtaking…I have never seen a rainbow so clear, so wide, so thick, with each colour so disctinct from each other, against the dimly lit sky the lush greenery around. It felt like we were driving right through the rainbow as its curve formed a perfect arch from the left of the river to its right, with the highway dividing it in half. The four of us in the Pajero were just marvelling at its beauty until it was finally, and sadly our of sight. The song playing in my head was the all time favourite, ‘How Great Thou Art”…. It’s during times like this that I wish I had a camera phone to capture magical moments. Shall get one upon my first paycheck.

That’s about it for now. Thank you for all your prayers, and for being there. Miss you all. Take care and God bless you :)

Lessons Learnt

This month has been a month of lessons for me. Allow me share them with you.

Lesson # 1: Money is Not Everything but Everything Is Money
Ever since I took on this new job, I haven't got my first pay. This is common, as it usually takes 3 months for the first pay to be banked it. My parents and family members have been helping me a lot as I need money for everything; food, transport, rent etc...I was running broke and had really drained my family, when they asked me to try to request for advance from my employer. When God closes one door, He'll open another, they said. I told them that I had never heard of such a thing here and I didn't think it was possible. But would try nonetheless, although I wished I didn't have to.

Lesson # 2: God is Above Everything
I casually asked the Assistant Accountant if requesting advance was a practice of new comers but she said there wasn't anything like that.( "I knew I was right," I thought to myself)..And continued my day, as usual. As I was sitting in front of the pc in the office, an Admin. officer came and asked me how I was managing financially. Before I could answer, he said he knew it must be extremely difficult and told me to prepare a letter to the Director, requesting an advance from the Club.

I remembered the Assistant Accountant's words and decided against it, but the next day, the Admin. officer came and reminded me to prepare the letter again. "Why not? No harm trying", i persuaded myself, and prepared the letter. I was just looking at the letter which I prepared, when the Assistant Accountant came into my room to get my signature. She saw the letter, and to my amazement, she said that through the Club, it was totally possible. She took the letter from me and said that she'll make the necessary arrangements,and I'll be getting some cash to roll soon! Praise the Lord!He is really so compassionate...helping me even when I was reluctant to try for myself.

Lesson # 3: Expect the Unexpected
When I first came to Kuantan, my aunty arranged for a temporary accomodation for me in a very distant relation's house. I stayed there for 2 weeks and went for a week's course in Malacca. After that, the Methodist pastor here made arrangements for me to stay with a church member near my workplace.

It was supposed to be permanent but she's moving to KL, thus, I have to move elsewhere. I was informed at the last moment, but she's been gracious to allow me to stay until she moves. In the mean time, the pastor found a different room for me to rent, which is not too far from my workplace, and I was supposed to move in yesterday. However, only yesterday, the lady of the house informed the pastor that she can't rent out the room. She said that she's renting the house from a man who is not allowing her to rent out the rooms individually..and that she's planning to move out soon too. Well, fine, I can try to see it from her point of view...But seriously, it sounds pretty lame to me..she had tenants in the past for years...If she wasn't keen, she shouldn't have agreed right from the start...at least I wouldn't have stopped searching....Never mind, life is not a bed of roses. I shouldn't be surprised.

Anyway, the pastor managed to find me a different room, in another church member's house. But this house is very much out of the way from my workplace. I can't find any colleague who's living near there. I'm supposed to move in tonight but am trying to find other althernatives. Another uncle (my newfound relative, as you would understand if you read my post, "On a Sunday Morning" assured me that he'll find me a nearer room in two days...But i'm holding on to "Expect the Unexpected"...

I'll be going on away on a course this Thursday till Saturday. Hopefully by the end of the week, I'll have a more permanent place to rest my head...i'm tired of living like a nomad... One thing for sure, somehow or rather, I'll find a way. God sent me here. He won't leave me in the streets.

Lesson # 4: Be Careful What You Don't Wish For
When I was in school and in university, Accounts was never one of my favourite subjects. Although I scored pretty well in it, I always wished that I will never have much to do with it in work...But here am I, head over Administration and FINANCE department...I'll have to see more of accounts soon...but I know it will do me good. So, here I am, ready to learn.

Another thing, when I used to follow "The Apprentice," and watched the candidates take on construction related tasks, I used to think to myself that I wouldn't like that...I just don't fit into that, I thought. And I wasn't at all worried of getting involved in such aspects in the future because I believed that my scope of job would never lead to that...But once again, I'm wrong. The DEVELOPMENT Officer here is being posted elsewhere and I will have to replace him in his duties. To start with, I've been handed the plan of the new office being constructed in a different area, and I was told that I have to deal with it, at least for now...It feels like life is giving me all that I never asked for..... The thought of learning appeals to me, but when it is attached with "Authority" and "Responsibility" at it's end, I can't help feeling intimidated...Anyway, I'll cherish the opportunity and try to make the most out of it.

In conclusion:

Learning is not a final destination but a lifelong process. May the good Lord help us to always be willing to learn and to give thanks in all circumstances:)

On a Sunday Morning

I woke up early this morning - 6.00 am - at the incessant ringing of my handphone alarm that I left on the study table, away from the bed. It was going to be my first visit to the Tamil Methodist church here in Kuantan, where worship begins at 7.00 am. A a family friend in Kluang introduced the pastor of this church to me, and he assured me that the service was bilingual. Furthermore, the pastor and some of the church members have been exceptionally nice and helpful to me (as far as accomodation and transport to church is concerned), which in turn creates in me an eagerness to visit the church. So, here was I. I could not ask for more.

It never crossed my mind to attend a Tamil speaking church over here, a Methodist one for that matter. If possible, I had wanted to join an English speaking congregation for worship, preferably an Assemblies of God (AOG). Not that I'm biased against other denominations - just a preference. My home church is not an AOG, but a Tamil speaking charismatic church called Advent Christian Church (not to be confused with the 7th Day Adventist).

Anyway, I wondered how the service was going to be conducted as I had never attended a Methodist service before. I took my my seat in the second pew right at the front of the pulpit ( my university friends probably wouldn't be surprised, as the second row was always my favourite during lectures). But this was a totally different situation. I had no intention of being in the forefront during my first visit, but I had no choice. The aunty whom I came with led the way and ushered me beside her.

I thought that the service would be conducted in a solemn and orthodox atmosphere, but I was surprised at how similar everything was conducted; the worship, the message, the offertory etc..(except for a couple of rising and sitting, and reading of verses alternately, as in the Roman Catholic church). It was a pleasure being part of the worship. A mixture of old hymns gave me a peaceful feeling of being in times of the past, and the new songs with contemporary beats felt very alive. The worship team worshipped with great enthusiasm, facial and bodily expressions. Very charismatic for a Methodist church, I thought to myself. The sermon which was biligual was presented with a sense of humour. I felt wonderful to be in the presence of the Lord together with His people ; to be able to attend service again after weeks of having to miss it.

After the service, the congregation proceeded to the back of the church for a 'ground-breaking' ceremony. A new church was going to be built and we had prayers of dedication of the ground. Shortly after that, breakfast was served. It was then that a few members came and spoke to me, and gave me a shocking 'revelation'. When I first came to Pahang, I really thought that I knew no one. But here, I was told that somehow or rather, more than half of this church members (congregation size - around 250 people) are related to each other, and so am I to them through the marriage of my mother's cousin to one of the members' sister. What a small world!

I stood in a shady corner, under the branches of a sturdy tree, to savour the breakfast served - 'iddiapam' (indian 'thunder bread' - the one which looks like pieces of white thread made into a pancake) and a piece of 'laddu' (a yellow, indian sweet). I questioned myself whether I should go and socialize with the rest, but everyone seemed to have their own clique, talking and joking away happily. I didn't want to intrude. Besides, scoring several points pointing towards introversion, I felt contented to be left alone to observe people and their behaviour, rather than indulge in small-talk. I mentally tried to guess people's age, marital status, occupation etc.

As the wind blowed against my face, I recollected my university days when Stephanie and I were hunting for a church to attend regularly. The first chruch we attended was an AOG where we worshipped for a year. After than, we decided to attend the Straits Baptist church where our dear friend, Chin Nee, was attending. There, we were greeted with so many smiles and showered with care; truly we fell in love with the people there. We enjoyed the Young Adults Bible study and all, and we found it difficult to say goodbye when we finally found a church that matched our personal beliefs, where we felt we fitted in. It was an AOG, and there we worshipped till we graduated.

In my years throughout university, I've also attended and associated with the Anglican and Roman Catholic churche. I learnt to appreciate the differences between denominations and also our unity through Christ. Back at home, I attended the Young Adults fellowship of a Presbyterian church. Now, I'll have the Methodist to add to the list:) But here, I really missed having Stephanie around to attend a service for the first time; a familiar face in a strange place. Someone to discuss thoughts over after service.

While my mind played short movies of flashbacks, I was interrupted by a cheerful looking young man who came over to introduce himself to me. Turns out that this 18 year-old-lad is the Youth Leader of this church, and he invited me to join their meeting right after breakfast. The age range for members is 15-27. Actually, the aunty that I'm temporarily staying and attending church with had another meeting to attend after breakfast - Local Conference - which shuold last till around 1.00 pm. My watch showed 10.00 am. Considering that I was indeed very free too, I was elated at the invitation. It was a good experience, having fellowship with the youth. I got acquianted with several other young adults, who were surprised to know that I was already working, because they thought that I hadn't reached beyond my teens (as if this is new:P, but actually I don't think I look that young). The youth meeting did not last very long, and was adjourned due to the need for the youth committee members to participate in the Local Conference that was already going on. After a short chit with the remaining members, I took my leave (while the others began to take theirs) from our gathering place to find something else to do.

I returned to the worship hall and sat on a garden bench, with my face towards the tinted glass door. Another service was going on inside the church now. I had thought of attending the service but decided against entering the hall just yet since the whole congregation seemed to consists of only Chinese members. I wasn't sure whether a Chinese or English service was going on, and it would be awkward to leave halfway...Well, I could have asked around but just didn't want to. Just then, the I heard voices singing an English worship song in unison which confirmed my doubt - it was an English service. I was just about to get up and enter the hall when a young Indian guy (one of the youth) came over and sat down beside me for a chat. So, my plans changed once more. We chatted for a while and he intended to continue to accompany me; to play his part as a host while I waited for the long Local Conference to be over. However, I politely declined and told him my plans to join the English service that was going on. He got a shock of his life and said that he found it difficult to go through even one service a week, and that one that begins at 7am is more than enough! He he....I remember attending two services over the weekends for some time in my university days, with Stephanie, when we just couldn't bring ourselves to inform the wonderful Straits Baptist church leaders of our decision to switch regular attendance to another church.

Anyway, this guy left after being assured that I would be allright alone. By this time however, the door of the church hall was closed and I decided not to attend the service after all. I would look like a totally late comer should I enter and I did not want to create such a first impression, considering that I would stand out because I would be one of the few Indians, and thus easily remembered.

So, there I was, sitting outside the church hall, penning my thoughts on small pieces of paper that I picked up in the surroundings, and plain bookmarks from my Bible. Thank God I always bring a pen along everywhere I go. Time passed quickly as I wrote, and soon it was almost 12.00 noon...Two other boys (one 18, the other 14) whose parents were in the Local Conference came over to talk to me..Hmm, I wonder where all the girls were?They invited me to join their own 'mini conference' in the school canteen that was closed, situated much nearer to the conference room. (the Methodist church is in the same compound of the Methodist Girls School). I agreed as the English service would soon be over and I didn't want to look like an alien there.

So, I went with them to the canteen, where their 'gang' consists of all boys except for one little girl who was 11. There, somehow topics after topics of chat brought us to the issue of love relationships. It was then that an older teenage boy told me about his 'love life'. The other kids, sensing his need of privacy, went off to play elsewhere while he shared.. He told me that even he did not even tell his elder brother about himself having a girlfriend (the Indian community can be very conservative about this topic, so this is understandable)....While it was an honour to lend a listening ear, I just wondered how it was possible for him to share his love life with me, a person he's meeting for the first time!....I could never imagine myself ever doing that at his age...And this is not the first time...Many times when I travelled by bus (usually long distance), I i've had guys sitting beside me, telling me their stories of how bad they were in the past, their regrets, their love etc....Thus, my conclusion is, maybe it's easier for boys to open up with strangers (Correct me if I'm wrong.)

It was a lot of fun being in the company of the youth. They made a lot of jokes in Tamil, and althought I couldn't really understand completely nor join in fully, it made me laugh just the same. Finally, around 2.45 p.m, the Local conference was over and I got my ride back to my extremely temporary 'home.'.....These are just my thoughts on a Sunday morning..more of a diary entry...nothing exceptionally interesting about my day, but not a waste of time nonetheless...at least to me.

Till I write again, take care:)

Reflections

Another Friday, another long break for lunch - 12.15pm to 2.45pm. I just had my lunch, and here I am alone in the office, sitting in front of the computer and typing my thoughts. Should I sing "All by myself (Celine Dion)," or "Lonely(Akon)"? Well, neither..I am actually enjoing this privacy to blog since my room has not yet been equipped with a computer. Just yesterday, one of the staff took a picture of me in my room which looks pretty empty..a picture in remembrance of the emptyness when I just started work. I wish I had a scanner. I could then upload the picture.

Before the job
Being alone has given me the opportunity to do some reflections on my experiences which have brought me here. I remember day I filled up the application form for this job, weeks after my mother's constant reminders. I could fill in 10 options on the form. I had filled in 9 options and was contemplating the final choice. This particular job title that I am holding sounded the most interesting compared to all the rest, but it's requirements were the highest. And although at that time, I knew next to nothing about the job, I was sure that it would take me away from home, to God knows where. Thus, I did not want to include it in the form. However, something in my heart kept urging me to include it, and I kept inserting and deleting the job title numerous times before I finally decided to leave it there as the 10th choice.

After several months of long waiting, I received a letter calling me to sit for a qualifying 2-days examination in Johor Bahru. Innitially, I was declared to my family that I was not sitting for it because I had some other plans at the back of my head, and I did not want this to interfere with my further decisions.Nevertheless, at the same time, I was actually searching and praying for the right path to take in my life (although I did have some plans), as far as career is concerned. Right from the beginning, I subconsciously feared the unknowns related to this job, and I wondered if it was worth taking the risk applying for it. One - I didn't want to have failure on my record.( I have heard that it was very difficult to pass the test). "Why should I put myself through it when I may not actually want it?" I asked myself. Two - "What do I do if I pass?" Where must I go from here?".....Finally, after much persuasion and 'brain-washing' by my parents, I finally yielded and agreed to sit for the examination. Considering also the fact that I was actually searching, it was reasonable for me to give this application a fair chance.

I believed that the results would only be out much later, but to my greatest surprise, it came early. And I passed! I didn't know whether to smile or to cry. This meant that I would have to proceed to the second level, the 2-days assessment, and I was not even sure whether or not I really wanted what I was applying for. But since the assessment was in Kluang itself, I thought, why not just give it a shot. It was not easy, and I felt my chances of getting through were slim. Nevertheless, I prayed that if I did get the job, I would know that it was not by chance, and I would go wherever He sends me. By the grace of God, I passed yet again.

This time, my feelings of trepidation increased as I waited for anxiously for the details regarding the interview. To my dismay, I was sent a letter calling me to attend an interview for a different position - in fact, my 2nd choice of job in my application. It's funny how all of a sudden, my second choice failed to take on any significance to me, and I decided not to attend the interview. After the trying experience of the examination and assements, I resolved not at all to settle for a different position. I was amazed that this time, my parents had no objections. I took it that somehow my application for the other post has been disqualified due to some unspecified reasons, since I was about to be interviewed for a different job.

Just when I was about to try other options in full swing, I received another letter, calling me for an interview for my current post, stating that I had passed the assessment. Thus, the following week, I attended the interview. The questions were extremely challenging and there were numerous that I was unable to answer satisfactorily. Being a person who is rather critical about my own self, during the interview, I found myself identifying many weak moments. Once again, I knew my chances were slim, but at the back of my mind, I was afraid of where the roads would lead to, if at all I succeeded in the interview. The final stage, the arrow that would determine my path of life, finally pointed up North. I received a letter congratulating me for getting through the interview, and I had to report for a course in Terengganu for 2 weeks.

Getting the job
Throught the whole process since I applied for the job, my friends, especially Young Adults cell members, had been very encouraging and prayed for me. They were happy for me when I got the job, but I was not really sure whether I really was. I remembered my promise to God, and I knew this was His will. But it had not really sinked into my heart and mind that I was a government officer now who must put the interest of my duty to the country above my own. During the course, we were briefed further about the job requirements, further regimented training for 6 months, and the challenges ahead. It sounded very demanding and I wondered if accepting the job meant signing away my freedom. Yes, I would love to serve my country - but to face the possiblilty of being far away from the people I loved for a long time...I just couldn't bear that thought. Out of 370 successful applicants, one had decided to to back out. As I was there in Terengganu, in the big hall together with 369 other fellow coursemates, my feelings palpitated as I signed the final letter of acceptance of the job. There was no turning back now, at least for the next 3 years.That marked the beginning of my placement in the Ministry of Transport in Putrajaya and my posting to Pahang.

Somewhere along the line, I must have lost focus. My eyes which were supposed to be fixed on Jesus were focussed deeply on my circumstances and physical weaknesses. I realized that I have to remember my promise to God and maintain a positive attitude, but perhaps I had forgotten that for that to happen, I am required to believe with unwavering faith in His promises. All the while, I had been depending on my own strength to maintain that positive attitute, and needless to say, it did not sustain me for long. I'm really fortunate to have a wonderful family, and Christian brothers and sisters who care for me and have supported me along the way.

Now that I've started working
Now that I'm in the job, i'm beginning to come to terms with all that is required of my me. As a matter of fact, I am enjoying my job. I get to go for courses to enhance my knowledge, where it feels like a holiday (apart from the lectures, of course), and learn, and gain a lot of new experiences in my everyday work. Last month, I was given the opportunity to look through various cases involving employees, and hear them being analysed according to law. Last week, I had to be the chief invigilator for an internal examination, and one of the candidates' antics really made me laugh. A guy stood up in the middle of the examination for a couple of minutes, rummaging through his papers with one hand, and the other searching deep into his navy blue, uniform pocket. I quickly sent one of the invigilator to his aid but he said nothing at all. At long last, he pulled out a red piece of eraser and held it up the the air!:P Then, he continued with the exam nonchalantly...Next week, I'll get the chance to lead the audit of two enforcement stations in the state...and my work is only just beginning. Of course, I have my fair share of things which I do not quite like, but life just wouldn't be life without them.

At this point of time, I am a lot happier than I was the last the last two months. I can feel it in the air I breath...I have begun to like to eat! Yes, I thank God for the return of a good apetite:) I have not settled down, as far as accomodation and transportation to work is concerned, but in just a matter of time, I will be just fine.

Lunch time is over. Got to go now. Take care and have a nice day! God bless you:)